The Military Spouse

[Kathryne Nelson]

We stand alone again, surrounded by so many other families saying good-bye. Yet the weight of being alone closes in around us and wraps us up in it warm blanket..... safe, together, if only for a few more minutes.
The word is passed down and the silence is broken, the time has come for my husband to leave, yet again. My son wants to climb up into the truck with my husbands bag so as not to be left behind . The pain in both of there eyes is almost more than I can bear. Yet I must. I do not have the luxury of tears, fear or pain. I am the one who must make everything OK. Not just for my son but for my husband as well.
My husband will be going to Irak for his second tour this one much more dangerous than his first. He needs to stay focused on his duties and on the people with whom he will be in charge of. He has to trust that I will take care of things at home. That is a tall order. One he knows will take a huge toll on me. He also knows how much he will miss while he is gone. Our son is 6 and growing up fast every minute he is gone is a moment he can not get back.
We say good-bye and I load my son up in our car for the drive home chocking back my tears and my fears. It is not the first time I have watched my husband go off to war, yet it never gets easier and now with a child it is even harder.
My husband carries a top secret clearance so many times it is not till he comes home that I truly know how much danger he was in. I know he is going to Ballad this tour for four months and I basically know why he is there. So I am able to tell my son with some confidence that his Daddy is safe. That he should feel nothing but pride for his father because he is a hero performing a hero's duty. He serves his country willingly and with honor. No person wants to go to war but when you are called upon to do so you go. Our son is a smart boy, no getting around that. For now he settles for my explanation and is willing to go to sleep. I know for the next four months I will deal with the ups and downs of his emotions. His anger, his fear, his resentment, even a period of time where he won't want to talk to his Daddy which will rip his fathers heart out. But he's 6 and to him the world is unfair! While other Daddy's stay home with their kids his Daddy keeps going away. Why??? Hard question to answer even for myself.
The military does try to provide services for the spouses left behind but so many slip through the cracks. Either they don't reach out or aren't contacted. I have been married to my husband now for 18 years. I know where to go if I need help but pride often holds me back. I often find myself helping the younger women and men who are lost and afraid. They spend too much time in front of the TV watching CNN or reading about the lasted bombing. It is scary but taken out of context and has nothing to do with where their spouses are. I tell them when you see a chaplain and a uniformed officer coming to your door then you need to worry. Until then everything is OK.
The divorce rate is high in the Military,50% on the outside, around 60% or more in the military, the suicide rate has jumped incredibly high since the war in Iraq began. Let us not forget we are presently fighting a loosing battle in Afghanistan as well right now. The numbers for the Army alone were just released two weeks ago. I believe they were 600 men and woman in their last quarter. I do not know how their quarters run. Nor do I care. Those numbers tell me that their people are not being taken care of when they come home and they are being deployed too much. Alcoholism is also high among military personnel, including spouses. Domestic Violence is so high that the Air Force now runs a month long campaign against domestic violence in hopes of educating, detouring, and shinning a bright light upon those who are participating in it. "Come forward, we will help you." Is it working? I don't know.
War is fought on the battle fields far away. Then it is fought back at home when our spouses return. Whose fault is it? Well I know I could play the blame game for many more pages but it would not solve anything. I do know what I have learned for myself.
When my husband returned from his last tour of duty I made sure his home coming was special. Because you see so many people seem to have forgotten "WE ARE AT WAR"! My son's father was returning alive. Other's were not..... We arrived early to find Veteran's from Korea and Vietnam standing holding not only our nations colors but the colors of their own units and the unit of my husband.
When my husband came off that plane I could not hold my son back he ran into his fathers arms the flowers he was holding went everywhere. As I stood up I saw my 6'5 husband in full fatigue's holding my son with tears sliding down his face. My husband does not cry. I slowly walked forward and before I knew it he pulled me in and the three of us stood there in an embrace that seemed to last a life time. He was so happy to be home. His first words where, "I"m done." I felt the weight of the world lift off of me.
There would be the "debriefing" and then a very short evaluation, "you OK?" "Yeah I'm OK" It all lasts about a day. Probably why the suicide rate, alcoholism , domestic violence, and divorce rate is so high. Most get diagnosed with PTSD yet get no antidepressants to help or visits to a physiologist. Ah you'll get over it. Tough it out!
I stood back many times and watched while my husband slipped away from me. Sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months. Then came our son and that just was not OK anymore so I stood up and said stop. You're not OK you need to talk to someone who knows what you have been through and then get some help for your depression. The service isn't going to give it to you voluntarily so go ask for it! Demand it! Thank God he did.
Things did not change overnight. I had to change too. I had to learn to be quiet. To be still, to wait......
Military spouses do not get any praise, or medals, they don't even get an evaluation. Yet they have one hell of a job. Some of them work full time with three kids and their spouse in a war zone. How do they do it? One day at a time. Why do they do it? Hell if I know.