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Parenting Classes?
I faced my abuser in court on Monday. Six months have passed since I was there last, obtaining a restraining order against him and his relentless assaults against me and my children. Included in the restraining order were provisions for him to see the children, weekly, under supervision. Abuser declined to participate in any visits to children until quite recently, when he began the required
individual counseling and support group participation required by the restraining order. Although he
apparently did not find his children's birthdays over the summer adequate reason to bother to engage in the process of connecting with them, he feels quite justified in pointing out his dedication in taking the parenting classes mandated by the supervised visit provider.
He wanted the judge to be quite clear on this point. "Your Honor," he began with self-righteous
overtones, "I have taken all of the parenting classes I was required to by C.A.F.A., and I have even taken one more, because I found the material helpful, while Ms. ______ hasn't taken any." If you read that last sentence aloud, be sure to put emphasis on the MS. and the ANY in order to achieve the full effect of the way he spat those words out with curled lips.
No, I haven't taken any parenting classes in the last six months. I have been too busy PARENTING our four children in his complete abscence. It's been a party, really, all those loads of laundry, trips to the grocery store, and meals. The fevers, the vomit, the spilled milk, the tantrums, the whining. All me, all the time. Except for the times my family has helped by taking the kids for a night or two, giving them love and attention and me a short sanity break. I've listened to long-winded stories and teenage angst. I've sent 2.3 billion text messages to keep tabs on them. I've gone to parent-teacher conferences and volleyball games. I have endured cub scout meetings and trips to the miniature golf course. There were three birthday parties, fireworks, trick-or-treating, Thanksgiving, and Christmas to conduct. The oldest went off to college, we spent hours on financial aid and scholarship applications and the big going away party. I had sleepless nights and moments of laughter. I took our autistic daughter to get her hair cut. I took my six-year old to get his hair cut.
I took the teenager to get an eye exam, eyeglasses, and her driver's permit. Somehow, arranging the child care necessary to take PARENTING classes was not high on my list. Going to work every day so I have money for gas, food, and cable t.v. was.
The judge looked up at my abuser after listening to his impressive announcement. He looked down at
the restraining order which outlines the reasons why I am afraid to let this man be alone with my children. He looked at me. Then he said, with just a hint of sarcasm... "There is nothing in this order which requires Ms.______ to take ANY sort of class. I'd like to find out how YOU'RE doing in your compliance with the provisions of this order."
Abuser did not find an ally in the courtroom today. His request to have the restrictions on him
dropped was denied. I have six more months of full time parenting in front of me before the restraining order lapses. Six more months of flying solo. I will continue to be the sole dispenser of band-aids, macaroni and cheese, and cough syrup. We have six more months of peace, and relative freedom from fear.
Hope he enjoys those classes.
individual counseling and support group participation required by the restraining order. Although he
apparently did not find his children's birthdays over the summer adequate reason to bother to engage in the process of connecting with them, he feels quite justified in pointing out his dedication in taking the parenting classes mandated by the supervised visit provider.
He wanted the judge to be quite clear on this point. "Your Honor," he began with self-righteous
overtones, "I have taken all of the parenting classes I was required to by C.A.F.A., and I have even taken one more, because I found the material helpful, while Ms. ______ hasn't taken any." If you read that last sentence aloud, be sure to put emphasis on the MS. and the ANY in order to achieve the full effect of the way he spat those words out with curled lips.
No, I haven't taken any parenting classes in the last six months. I have been too busy PARENTING our four children in his complete abscence. It's been a party, really, all those loads of laundry, trips to the grocery store, and meals. The fevers, the vomit, the spilled milk, the tantrums, the whining. All me, all the time. Except for the times my family has helped by taking the kids for a night or two, giving them love and attention and me a short sanity break. I've listened to long-winded stories and teenage angst. I've sent 2.3 billion text messages to keep tabs on them. I've gone to parent-teacher conferences and volleyball games. I have endured cub scout meetings and trips to the miniature golf course. There were three birthday parties, fireworks, trick-or-treating, Thanksgiving, and Christmas to conduct. The oldest went off to college, we spent hours on financial aid and scholarship applications and the big going away party. I had sleepless nights and moments of laughter. I took our autistic daughter to get her hair cut. I took my six-year old to get his hair cut.
I took the teenager to get an eye exam, eyeglasses, and her driver's permit. Somehow, arranging the child care necessary to take PARENTING classes was not high on my list. Going to work every day so I have money for gas, food, and cable t.v. was.
The judge looked up at my abuser after listening to his impressive announcement. He looked down at
the restraining order which outlines the reasons why I am afraid to let this man be alone with my children. He looked at me. Then he said, with just a hint of sarcasm... "There is nothing in this order which requires Ms.______ to take ANY sort of class. I'd like to find out how YOU'RE doing in your compliance with the provisions of this order."
Abuser did not find an ally in the courtroom today. His request to have the restrictions on him
dropped was denied. I have six more months of full time parenting in front of me before the restraining order lapses. Six more months of flying solo. I will continue to be the sole dispenser of band-aids, macaroni and cheese, and cough syrup. We have six more months of peace, and relative freedom from fear.
Hope he enjoys those classes.
Views: 18
Comment
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Comment by Rose Wolfe on January 13, 2009 at 1:15pm
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Well done, that was very accurate! I'm sure what LC said about the judge was true. I'm so proud of you for being a hero to your kids.
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Comment by Stephanie Southerland on January 7, 2009 at 2:00pm
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Thank you for the input and comments. I realize it is a highly touchy subject. I wish it wasn't, quite, as hard for people to accept as reality. It is a very real, very difficult slice of life that does affect more people than you might think. I am still hopeful, even through the bitterness, that things will look brighter for me and the kids, and even their dad, in the future. LC, you have surely seen many situations that you would have rather not known about in your previous job. I am looking forward to more of your story.
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Comment by Chuck Stromme on January 7, 2009 at 7:34am
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Wow. What a moving piece. Thank you for sharing this painful experience. If you can bring yourself to write more I can assure you I'll read it.
Chuck
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